If you’re the type of person who, after a tough commute home from work, likes to spend the long winter nights huddled around the Sega Mega Drive (or whatever the kids are playing these days), I have just the game for you.
‘Brighton & Hove City Council’s Local Traffic Nightmare’ (snappy title, I know) combines two things dear to the heart of every road.cc reader: riding bikes and helping to make our roads a safer, more pleasant experience for everyone.
In the game, says the helpful (and hilarious, but we’ll get to that in a minute) instructions page, “your mission is to make using cars an extremely unpleasant experience so the residents give up – they can either walk or cycle.” Sounds brilliant.
Once you click ‘Play’, you will enter the game’s Farfisa organ-soundtracked 2D world, where you can ride around, installing cycle lanes, bike hangars, and planters for Low Traffic Neighbourhoods as you go.
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Admittedly, the gameplay isn’t exactly Pro Cycling Manager, the graphics belong in a 1980s arcade, and your computer feels on the verge of a catastrophic meltdown the whole time you’re playing it…
But hey, a game where you can simply ride your bike around and make streets safer at the same time – what’s not to love?
What’s that? The game is actually the brainchild of a bunch of anti-LTN activists in Brighton?
Well, you could knock me down with a Volkswagen Polo.
According to the Argus, the game was invented by campaigners opposed to Brighton & Hove City Council’s plans to install a ‘Liveable Neighbourhood’ in the Hanover and Tarner area of the city, to parody the “absurd idea”.
Anti-LTN campaigner Chris Beaumont told the Argus: “It’s a lot of fun and a very tongue-in-cheek look at the way these things have developed.
Chris says the game, based on a similar arcade-themed satire of Southern Rail, “does get the message across and highlights the absurdity of what’s going on. It’s a great idea and some people will find it funny.”
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Ah, of course – now all that stuff in the instructions about the “collateral damage” of LTNs, “extending the misery”, and “knowingly and intentionally making residents’ lives painful” makes sense now. Well, it doesn’t, but you know what I mean.
Interestingly – and I’m not claiming that this says anything about the perspectives of those involved in the making of the game – when your mini cyclist rides on the pavement, you’re reprimanded for “hitting an elderly person”.
But… when a motorist strikes you, knocking you from your bike, the car also explodes into pieces, and you’re pointedly told: “You have been caught being bad at cycling”.
Hmmm…
Brighton & Hove City Council told the Argus they are aware of the game, and criticised it for its “inflammatory and disappointing language”.
A spokesperson for the council said: “The Liveable Neighbourhood trial aims to reduce the ongoing creep of traffic into residential streets.
“This would make our streets safer and our air cleaner for residents, and discourage unnecessary car journeys.
“All properties will still be accessible by vehicle. We’re also working to ensure the needs of people with disabilities are considered.”
As for the game? I think I’ll stick to PCM, thanks.