I Need Your Help!

No swap out of parts allowed prior to lift off, but any fettling that will improve, well, anything is allowed.

We are mostly pretty competent bike fettlers, and one of our number is a Cytech Level 3 mechanic, so we had initially thought that this would mean we could conquer most adversities.

Since then though, we have realised the depth of depravity that has been plumbed by the manufacturer to create these bikes. The funniest thing I saw was when we held the front wheel between our knees, and twisted the handlebars, you could make the forks twist so much that you had about a 45 degree angle between the bars and the front wheel.

The gears are okay, the main problem was that twisting the grip shift actually just rotated it around the bars, I think some super glue or a big self tapper through it has secured it, and normal (such as that is) operation is restored...

I have been donated a nice Troy Lee Carbon full face lid - worth in excess of 3 of the bikes put together - and hopefully some knee and elbow pads, I haven't ridden off road for many years, with the exception of a stint round Afan last year, so my kit is a tad retro compared to the others, and I never believed in the whole protective armour thing in those days, I'm a believer now though!

Three of us had a blast round the car park on our new bikes yesterday - 10 minutes of just nobbing about resulted in 2 saddles pointing directly to the sky, and one twist grip shifter that twisted around the bars rather than change gear...

My bike has virtually no brakes to speak of, I can get the lever to the bars, and get almost zero speed reduction - that's not a good sign either.

Thanks for the support guys, the good news is that the bikes weigh in at a svelte 39lbs, the bad news is..well..everything else about them!

They are built, and with full bike workshop mechanic skills, we can only get a couple of gears, and you need the strength of Garth to turn the twist grip to get those. You cannot do the quill stem up enough to actually make it keep the handlebars in the right direction...I could go on, but I'll save it for the post-Armageddon write up.

Suffice to say, we are getting less and less confident of our chances as we get more familiar with the weapons of our destruction...

UPDATE...

The bikes have been purchased!

We now have 7 adult full suspension bikes, 5 are by the well known and respected brand - Virus. These have MTB Technology apparently (it says so on the side!).
We also have a British Eagle and an as yet unidentified one.

Initial rides around the car park indicate that we are going to die! The forks are never going to cope with...well...anything to be honest.

I am being relied upon to overtake someone on the climb of Whites, it will be even more amusing than we first thought, as they really are exceptionally bad bikes.

The date is set - Sunday 22nd November. Feel free to join in if anyone is in the area, it will involve a loop starting with Whites climb, Parsons Folly to join The Wall descent, onto The Wall Climb and finish off with the Wall descent including the Energy section. About 40km of trying to stay in one piece.

I truly doubt that this will pass without incident, the fit of the seat pin within the seat tube is very vague to say the least, so that is going to fail very early on, and can see there being a lot of standing up. The forks are so dodgy looking that they bend whilst just riding along...it's gonna be great!

JJB are not even close, £129 for the cheapest full suss. It does have blue line tyres listed as one of the 5 stand-out features of it though.

G-Bitch - I like that idea, "it said mountain bike on the label, so we rode it down a mountain, and look what happened!"

Halfords would be the best candidate, but I can only find a bike for £99 there. I would love to pay in the £70's ideally.

And this line [b]This bike is an ideal companion for your life. It offers families with enjoyments and mobility in a high level[/b] is both puzzling and intriguing.

I really think this is the one for me...

And yes there are plans for video footage, photos and words too

And check out the suspension design, there'll be zero chain growth, but the pedal bob should be exceptional!

This very much what I'm after. I can't see that dubious linkage dealing with the Graveyard section of The Wall too well....happy days!

And it's got Saiguan gears, eighteen of them too...

This is quite promising...