Here's our pick of 18 things that we reckon most cyclists have said at some time or other. Are we right or wrong? And what have we missed off our list? Let us know down below.
• How much does it weigh?
Cyclists as a species are obsessed by weight. Bikes, components, accessories, themselves… I mean, how much difference can a carbon-fibre headset spacer or titanium bottle cage bolt actually make?
• Don’t tell me what happened in the Tour, I’m watching the highlights later.
It’s like that episode of the Likely Lads where Terry and Bob don’t want to know the result of the big match before it’s shown on TV. Spoiler alert! Chris Froome won.
Marcel Kittel wins Stage 1 of the 2014 Tour de France (picture Welcome to Yorkshire)
• I’m on a recovery ride.
This is a phrase you save for those occasions when another rider catches you up on the road. Alternatives would be, “This is my third century ride of the week”, and, “I’m just recovering from knee reconstruction surgery.”
• My bike has broken, can you come and pick me up?
It’s tragic to see a grown man/woman grovelling on the phone when things go irreparably wrong.
• My chain slipped.
A handy excuse if you get dropped on a climb. Yes, people will suspect you’re lying, but they can’t prove it, can they?
• I went out at the weekend and bonked.
Remember that this has a very different meaning to non-cyclist friends.
• Did you damage the bike?
The first question you ask when a friend tells you they crashed.
• How far is it to the top?
If you’re asking, you’re hanging.
• Is it carbon-fibre?
There’s a school of thought in cycling that says carbon-fibre is good, other stuff is less good.
• I know a short cut.
Do you though? Or do you just think you do?
• How much did you say it weighs, again?
Obsessed.
• Do you have a spare energy bar?/ Can I have some of your water?
You try to ask in the most matter-of-fact voice possible, but your legs are shot to bits.
• Is it ANT+ compatible?
Heart rate monitors, power meters, cadence sensors, turbo trainers… If it’s not on speaking terms with a Garmin, the cycling world doesn’t want to know.
• Do you have a chain tool/ Torq wrench/ 2.5mm Allen key handy?
Be prepared. That’s what they taught you in the Cubs/Brownies.
• Is there a shop/garage near here?
What have you forgotten this time?
• Campagnolo is way better than Shimano.
Or vice versa. Or SRAM is way better than either. Blah, blah, blah!
• It’s what Team Sky use.
You think your better half will accept this as a reason for spending £200 on a pair of sunglasses? You’re wrong.
• Do you know where we are?
What did we leave out? Let us know the other things that should be on our list.
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73 comments
In my experience the nicest people I've met cycling are the ones who are also the handiest. They're not using their bike or kit to make a statement. Around Manchester we often see pro's out on the road and they're as decent as anything.
As I'm struggling up a climb, zig zagging just to stay on, breathing out my backside. Some moron shouts 'on your right' as they squeeze past.
They can clearly see I'm doing all I can to stay upright and moving to the left is impossible (you know who you all are).
I would reply with a witty comment if my lungs had any spare capacity so me, I say nothing....
It's not a cape, its just a bloody jacket.
Cyclists say to triathletes "No sleeveless tops allowed", yet they even have a French word for them, so they must be acceptable to cyclists! Bonjour l'gilet.
Two fingers to the Velominati
That's embarrassing, my 'morning/afternoon' is usually intended as a friendly acknowledgement on passing people. Perhaps in future I'd better shut up!
"What was the point of that"
generally when overtaken for 5 seconds to the next red.
This thread makes me smile and reminds me when i bonked coming back home on a 70 miler a couple of years ago. I passed a guy in his late 50's on a clapped out mtb worth about 50 quid wearing jeans and a tee shirt. I went by him like he was standing still with still about 20k to go and gave him that subtle "afternoon" greeting that we all know the real meaning of. 5k from home i ran out of juice and willpower on a couple of hills and ended up just spinning at about 60rpm in the second easiest gear. I had nothing left after pushing it too hard early on.
This guy came past me like I was standing still and when i recognised him i just burst out laughing and so did he. What else could i do?
It was one of those Karma moments where you accept the payback gracefully and it kinda makes you lighten up and not take yourself or your cycling too seriously.
Using the phrase "inhaling a banana" with a completely straight face.
"No one likes a showoff" as a rider cruises past me going up a hill.
"Where are we riding today"? The usual pre ride conference.
"Oh I don't mind going the shorter route" Coz I'm knacked anyway but trying not to show it.
"No, I'll get this coffee, you bought the last one"
Et Al.
I'd actually be in favour of road.cc not giving the game away by not putting details in the grand tour news item headlines and just calling it "(date) at the giro/tour/vuelta). Otherwise I have to quickly scroll down if I haven't already watched the highlights.
Saying good morning to Club Kit Wankers and Aldi Warriors as I effortlessly pass them on a climb resplendent in some box fresh Rapha on my limited edition C59 and leave them with a view of my clean shaven, mahogany brown calves while they carry their massive chips across their shoulders. Sucks to be you eh.
"[T]heir massive chips" ? Winner of this years Tragic Irony Trophy I feel (unless i'm missing the humour tags), and a strong contender for each year thereafter. That honorific should look good on stationary and so forth.
Overheard in the Rapha Marketing dept:
"Look lads, there's actually people who fall for all that "I Am Superior" shit we peddle! Its even got 5 likes!! Whack another £50 on the bib-shorts, they'll pay it."
Froomey stop showing off
Just watch the famous YouTube vid! Sh*t cyclists say! always cracks me up! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMCkuqL9IcM
On the other end of the ""morning/afternoon" (delete as appropriate)
as you casually breeze past a person on a climb..." exchange, I am often heard saying, "........(gasp).........urgh?!"
HalfWheeler my epithet of choice is either halfwit or fcukwit depending on to or from work commute.
Want shiny thing
Well worn cycling phrases? Usually screamed in rage/panic at dozy drivers;
"Hey! Are you fucking blind you c**t!"
"too close you c**t!"
My favourite one is a pithy, "f**k me!", as yet another vehicle passes me far too closely.
I, as a cyclist, don't say any of those things.
I do say;
'Hello, how's it going?'
'Where are you off to?
'Do you want some company?'
'Nice bike'
'No worries, I'm not racing'
'Have you been that way?'
'I watch the highlights, but I'm not that bothered'
'I know, my wife says the same'
'About 5 years, but I put a new groupset on this year'
'Three, two at Uni, one at college'
'Always windy, but I don't mind'
...and so on.
(...and where I live, you don't do that I'm going quicker than you rubbish unless you like getting a slap...)
Hear hear. People who like to say that sort of thing generally have some sort of insecurity they need to cover up, by trying to make someone else (who they know nothing about) feel bad. An insecurity either related to their own performance, or just plain jealousy at the fact that they can't have the nice kind of bike someone else has, I'm guessing.
I know who I pity more.
Myself? Even if I'm going past someone on a hard climb, it's always good to give encouragement, or, more likely, something to let them know people going a bit quicker are suffering too! ("I'm sure someone keeps adding a bit on to the end", "Either I'm getting slower or this is getting steeper" etc. etc.).
Well said +1
I wouldnt dare say any of those to anyone id met on the road....
Whoever took my legs, please give them back!
I'm not racing you.
If you insist on sitting on my wheel for so long, I'm going to insist on farting..
All the the gear. All the idea. But not the legs today!
And the classic, bike shop line;
Ooo new shiny thing, I want one. What does it do?
A mate of mine knows loads of shortcuts. Can easily cut off 5 miles of riding when you're tired or running short of time. Granted, it goes over a 20% climb, but it's still a shortcut, right?
Have actually used the knee surgery one, but then again I was recovering from knee surgery.
My normal responses to those that breeze past me is:
A) I go better in a head wind (sort of true if your built more like Magnus Bacstead than Marco Pantani)
or
B) I take my Lanterne Rouge training seriously.
"morning/afternoon" (delete as appropriate)
as you casually breeze past a person on a climb, especially if their bike cost 4 times what yours did.
That oh so unsubtle put down.
Guilty.
Guilty too - most memorably past a guy on a much more expensive bike, wearing team jersey and sky shorts who was clearly "in the zone" and I had my gloves off, jersey undone and my helmet hanging on my bars.
Mind you, I then had to really keep it up to make sure he didn't catch me all the while looking nonchalant!
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