The Real Highway Code

When driving an HGV, you may use the full width of the hard shoulder when drinking coffee, urinating or watching porn on your smart phone.*

* I think I need an Oxford comma.

If you see a speed camera van you must:

* Slow immediately to 10mph below the indicated speed limit, regardless of current speed.

* Drive like a granny for the next 800 metres then accelerate wildly to normal cruising speed.

If you receive a FPN, proceed to the nearest bar, preferably by car, and ensure than all fellow drinkers know that the police should be spending their time on more important things, while getting rat-arsed for the drive home.

If you receive a Drive Awareness Course invite, remember to tell all attendees that your speed was perfectly acceptable because:

A) modern cars can stop on a sixpence.*

B) Your car is not designed to driven the speed limits, end of.

C) the Government expects you to save fuel by driving in a high gear, so driving to speed limits is against government advice as the car judders and stalls below 35mph in top gear.**

*OK 5p

** A true story.

At a junction, Stop lines indicate the need to slow down a bit. Where a cycle lane is indicated, you SHOULD advance to the lane marking, ideally with front bumper overhanging the marking by a foot to signal that you require any traffic on the major road to stop to permit you to immediately proceed.

When driving at high speed on a motorway, you MUST either:

A) Plough down the outermost lane without regard for other traffic. You SHOULD NOT use your brakes unless essential to avoid the idiot in front.

B) wait until the last possible moment (V2) to pull out when overtaking, without signalling. Immediately when you have passed the vehicle, you MUST swerve violently left and signal moving to the leftmost lane.

In this way you can demonstrate that you are an expert high speed driver and educate all other road users on correct lane discipline which is much more important than speed.

Note, Audi, Mercedes and BMW drivers are permitted to drive up to 29mph more than the posted speed limit. Jaguar and Range Rover drivers should not attempt the same speeds as the engine is likely to fall out after 5 miles. Audi A3 drivers have no speed restrictions (including 1.0l models).

Nissan and Honda Jazz drivers may only occupy the middle lane. They may accelerate to maximum speed while the lane is clear, then must wait patiently upon reaching the next vehicle until it either exits the motorway or moves to the right or left. Undertaking is permitted.

If entering a motorway you MUST:

- take the right hand lane of the slip road.

- pull immediately onto the motorway. Any traffic on the motorway must brake or change lanes to permit this.

If traffic is stationary you may either:

- join immediately, disregarding any solid white lines and then block any other motorists attempting to join following the slip road who may have got ahead

Or:

- swerve into the left lane (see first point), then drive to the very end of the slip road and enter the motorway. If you are unable to do so, you may drive down the hard shoulder for a bit until you may join safely.

Once on the motorway, you may immediately move into the rightmost lane. DO NOT signal as any driver should expect you to do this and it is wrong to over-signal.

You are entitled to obstruct highway, pavements, and bike lanes and you may park on zebra crossings if:

A) You are a delivery driver.

B) You are in the building trade or otherwise employed.

C) Your car costs more than £50k (when new).

D) Your partner is wearing Jimmy Choos.

You may use a handheld mobile phone whilst driving if:

A) You are a builder (in van or private car) at any time.

B) If you are taxi driver, only if you are also fiddling with the meter and/or satnav at the same time, or the cab firm owner at anytime.

C) near a cyclist.