“Is it April already?” Internet baffled by “eye-watering” new bike saddle; Government “shamefully slow” on dangerous junctions for cyclists; King’s Speech a “missed opportunity”; 25-year doping ban for DS; Bike racks or skatepark? + more on the live blog

I feel that SaddleSpur’s unique creation may well prove to be the gift that keeps on giving, judging by the reaction to it so far on social media.

So while you all continue sniggering at the back of the class, here are a few more of my favourite takes on cycling’s first ever NSFW saddle…

A&E nurse: "And how exactly did this happen?"

Patient: "I just got out of the saddle for a few pedal strokes, when I unexpectedly hit a speed bump"

— Matt Southerden (@mattsoutherden) November 7, 2023

Not just the price that is eye-watering

— ɢʀᴀʏ (@onetakegray) November 7, 2023

pic.twitter.com/QLG8W8wTu2

— John Hannon (@john_hannon) November 7, 2023

I just couldn’t get through the day’s live blog without mentioning Mac from Always Sunny (again, look it up yourself).

It’s not all jokes, however – one Twitter user said the saddle had inspired them to “get into riding bikes again”… Oh wait, I get it now.

“Brings a whole new meaning to saddle sores,” said another. Indeed.

Is it just me? https://t.co/P7EgobhkpM

— Real Gaz on a proper bike: gazza_d [at] toot.bike (@gazza_d) November 7, 2023

No, it’s definitely not just you, Gaz.

Right, that’s enough now – time for everyone to get back to their homework… 

While sometimes we can become fixated on segregated cycle lanes in towns and cities (or the lack thereof), the junctions that connect even the most protected of these routes can often provide the biggest source of danger for people on bikes.

This morning, the London Cycling Campaign – which in 2022 launched its ‘Dangerous Junctions’ campaign, following the deaths of Dr Marta Krawiec and Shatha Ali at Holborn – unveiled a new interactive map of the most dangerous junctions across the capital, which shows “exactly how and where” cyclists and pedestrians are being hurt, and killed, on London’s roads.

By highlighting the plethora of dangerous, ill-conceived junctions for cyclists and pedestrians across London, designed “primarily for motor traffic capacity”, the campaign group has also urged mayor Sadiq Khan, London’s local authorities, and Transport for London – which it accuses of being “shamefully slow and partial in dealing with this key road danger” – to “be bolder and fix these dangerous junctions to avoid needless, predictable deaths”.

The map, which was developed by LCC volunteer Daniel Hills, uses publicly available collision reports from across London over the past five years to “cluster” them by location, allowing users to view this data at up to 100 junctions which are filterable by borough, allowing you to find the most dangerous junction in your area.

“By identifying these junction systems, weighting data according to both collision severity and recency, and factoring in multi-victim collisions, we have identified the junctions that most need fixing across every London borough,” the group says.

So what, I hear you cry, is London’s most dangerous junction for cyclists?

Well, according to the map, the most hazardous cluster of junctions in the capital is on Upper Tooting Road in south west London, where a number of streets intersect with the wand-protected CS7 bike lane. Around 3,000 cycling journeys are made there daily, but the side streets are frequently used as rat runs by motorists, creating (as you can see in this story’s main image) a range of obstacles for people on bikes.

In the past five years, there have been 11 serious cycling injuries on the road, and 18 minor ones – though LCC has noted that both the council and TfL have done nothing to make those junctions safer.

Behind Upper Tooting Road on the list are Lambeth Road and Kennington Road (where there has been one fatality, and two serious and five slight collisions since 2018), Wandsworth Road and North Street (one fatality, three serious, seven slight), Mitcham Road and Leighton Street (one fatal, two serious), and Finsbury Park and Blackstock Road (one fatal, one serious, eight slight).

Two of Holborn’s notoriously unsafe junctions – where nine cyclists have been killed in total since 2008 – also made the top ten.

> Council green-lights safety changes to London's lethal Holborn gyratory

Meanwhile, the most dangerous junction in London for pedestrians is at Southall High Street and Avenue Road junction, where two fatal collisions and two ‘slight’ collisions have occurred in the past five years, and where a rat run “meets a congested shopping street with high footfall and restricted sightlines”.

“Behind this horrific data are hundreds of stories of families torn apart by tragedy and lives changed forever,” LCC’s chief executive Tom Fyans said in a statement.

> Safety work approved to improve "most dangerous junction in London" for cyclists

Fyans also argued that Sadiq Khan’s ‘Safer Junctions’ programme is “moving too slowly and its designs are too weak – leaving in ‘critical issues’ (by its own assessment) at too many junctions”.

He continued: “The Mayor has committed to a ‘Vision Zero’ for London by 2041 – but that would mean over 17 years more fatal and serious collisions for Londoners – we need to be faster and bolder.

“Whilst cycling and indeed walking and wheeling remain relatively safe, healthy ways of getting about London, TfL, the Mayor and our boroughs must move faster and be bolder on road danger to stem the human cost posed by dangerous junctions and poor road designs.”

Over in the parallel universe of Portuguese cycling – the wild west character of which harks back to the dark EPO-infused days of the 1990s and 2000s – former W52-FC Poro sports director Nuno Ribeiro has been handed a mammoth 25-year ban for doping offences, which will see him sidelined from the sport until December 2047.

46-year-old Ribeiro, a former pro who won the Volta a Portugal twice during his career (though his second title, in 2009, was stripped from him following an EPO positive), received the ban for “trafficking, possession, and supply” of illegal substances, including testosterone, cortisone, and steroids.

Ribeiro’s lengthy ban – one of the longest ever dished out in cycling – comes a year after one of his former soigneurs and associate DSs at W52-FC Porto, Jose Rodriguez, received an equally long ban, which is the maximum possible under Portugal’s anti-doping legislation.

Affiliated to the famous football club, W52-FC Porto dominated its home grand tour throughout the 2010s, but ultimately collapsed in 2022 following a massive anti-doping investigation, called ‘Clean Test’, which saw seven of the Continental squad’s riders – including three Volta a Portugal winners – receive bans ranging from three to seven years.

The year before, two-time Volta winner and Porto rider Raúl Alarcón was also banned for four years and stripped of his results, including a Vuelta Asturias win from 2017.

During the build-up to the 2022 Volta a Portugal, the director of the Portuguese Anti-Doping Authority revealed he was living under police surveillance after receiving a shotgun cartridge in the post, along with several other threats. Meanwhile, riders on three other teams were subject to police raids two days before the race started.

The wild west indeed.

In what will surely come as a blow to a team aiming to rebuild around a core of exciting young talent, one of those most exciting prospects, Australian champion Luke Plapp, has broken his contract with the Ineos Grenadiers to sign for his home team, Jayco-AlUla.

The 22-year-old turned pro with Ineos in 2022 and enjoyed a successful first season in the WorldTour, finishing ninth at the Tour de Romandie and third at the Tour of Norway before making his grand tour debut at the Vuelta a España.

However, despite another Aussie champs win and an encouraging second on GC at the UAE Tour in February, 2023 turned out to be rather more subdued for Plapp. And after missing out on selection for any of the grand tours, Plapp agreed by mutual consent to rip up his contract with Ineos, which was set to run until the end of 2024, to sign for Jayco on a four-year deal.

“It honestly does feel like I’m coming home, I’m such a proud Australian and to now be able to ride for the Australian team, it’s a real honour. I just can’t wait to get started; the next four years are going to be amazing on this team,” Plapp said in a statement.

And of course, a Jayco-AlUla transfer announcement wouldn’t be complete without a stereotypically Aussie video, featuring a slouch hat and shorts-wearing Plapp chopping a log, cracking open a cold tinnie, and saying G’day…

🇦🇺 𝙉𝘼𝙈𝙀 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙈𝙊𝙎𝙏 𝘼𝙐𝙎𝙏𝙍𝘼𝙇𝙄𝘼𝙉 𝙏𝙃𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙔𝙊𝙐 𝘾𝘼𝙉 𝙏𝙃𝙄𝙉𝙆 𝙊𝙁... 🤔

MORE DETAILS ➡️ https://t.co/ImT29XQQ5s pic.twitter.com/5we9lUDH4n

— Team Jayco AlUla (@GreenEDGEteam) November 7, 2023

You’re welcome.

His short-lived spell as a “sprint and lead-out consultant” for Astana at this year’s Tour de France may have passed by with little more than a whimper (and the sight of his old mate Cav in the back of a medical car), but former lead-out supremo Mark Renshaw will be back next July to try to finish the job, as the Kazakh team announced this morning that the Australian will be joining them as a sports director in 2024.

Renshaw, who piloted Cavendish to 23 of his 34 Tour wins, and lots of other victories besides, for High Road, Quick Step, and Dimension Data, provided tactical advice for Astana’s fledgling but ill-fated lead-out train at the 2023 Tour, and was roundly praised by the team’s riders and staff for his input and experience, despite his old teammate’s early injury-enforced exit.

And with the Manx Missile confirming last month that he plans to return to the Tour next year to target that record-breaking 35th stage win, Astana boss Alexandr Vinokourov has swooped to ensure that Renshaw remains apart of the backroom staff hoping to make history for cycling’s greatest sprinter.

> “Just one more year”: Mark Cavendish to continue racing in 2024 and target Tour de France record

“I am very excited to be taking on a Director Sportif role with Astana Qazaqstan for the upcoming 2024 season,” the 40-year-old said in a statement.

“After working on the Tour de France alongside the staff and riders at Team Astana Qazaqstan I knew that I have more to give professional cycling. With the support of my amazing family, to get back into elite sport I believe I can help lead our talented riders to victories in some of the biggest and best races on the calendar.

“I need to thank Alexandr Vinokourov for giving me this opportunity to pass on my experience to the team. We have some huge objectives ahead of us in 2024 and I can't wait to work on achieving these goals with the team.”

Ah, I can already feel the anticipation for No. 35 building…

Cyclists and residents in one south London borough have questioned, quite understandably, why a new cycle lane has a utilities pole smack bang in the middle of it.

The post – which has been located on the bike lane on Orpington’s Croft Road since the adjacent road was widened in a bid to reduce congestion – has been described by one astute resident as a “complete balls-up” and been reported to the council on several occasions, with another local calling for the lane to be closed on safety grounds until it is removed.

Read more: > Locals baffled by “accident waiting to happen” bike lane

In-ground bike racks pic.twitter.com/HN2c5G87de

— OriginCycling (@OriginCycling) November 6, 2023

I highly doubt this particular “in-ground” bike rack design will ever come to fruition, owing to its clear inability to store, you know, an actual, functioning bike, with gears, in real life. And that’s before we even start asking where the lock would go…

But if they somehow miraculously did appear on our streets, tripping pedestrians up for sport, I think our fiercely fought ‘Worst bike rack in the world’ competition could finally be put to bed, once and for all.

Though at least the skateboarders would love them…