What a beautiful day to wake up after a lovely weekend of Paris-Roubaix, there’s obviously not going to be a Jeremy Clarkson comment in The Sun to ruin it, surely?
Oh would you believe it!
Mr Clarkson, perhaps in need of spare change to hire bikes in Copenhagen which apparently left him with a “broken anus” (more on that in a minute), has had a go at Mike van Erp, or commonly known as CyclingMikey, calling him a “sneak” and also claiming that “using a phone in a car that’s not moving is as dangerous as knitting”.
At least this time, he hasn’t used AI by the looks of it…
> We asked AI to write us an anti-cyclist article in the style of Jeremy Clarkson: Here's what it came up with
He starts off the piece recognising that van Erp, a Dutch cyclist who grew up in Zimbabwe, was hit by a personal tragedy when he was a teen, when a drunk driver killed his father, and goes on to call him a “social media warrior” for posting videos of drivers breaking laws.
“This unpaid volunteer, who even turns up at court to offer himself as a witness, is doing what the police these days will not do. Enforcing the law,” says Clarkson. “He’s Charles Bronson with bicycle clips. The Equaliser, with saddle sores.”
“So why, then, do I think Mr Mikey is the most dreadful man in Britain today?” Clarkson asks, perhaps referring to The Times article from last year which labelled him as “Britain’s most hated cyclist”.
And this is where the egregious yet banal series of ad hominem conjectures begin. He writes: “It’s not because he has an awful more-in-sorrow-than-anger attitude, remaining stupidly calm while those he’s filmed use every insult in the book to lambast him.
“Nor is it because of his squeaky voice. I don’t even mind that he’s a lefty. It’s entirely predictable that a middle-aged “carer” on a bicycle wants to kick out the Tories. He does a lot of reposting on Twitter about this. Of course he does.”
> "Stoking cyclist hate will get him more publicity": CyclingMikey hits back at Mr Loophole's latest attack on "snitch society" camera cyclists
So what’s Clarkson’s beef? “Well, first of all, most of the people he catches using the phone are stuck in a traffic jam,” he says.
He adds that while it is illegal to use a mobile device while stationary at the wheel, “we all know using a phone in a car that’s not moving is as dangerous as knitting”.
CyclingMikey's one of many heated altercations with not-so-friendly motorists... This time he was accused of supporting Chelsea (he doesn't support Chelsea)
> Driver caught using mobile phone launches foul-mouthed tirade at CyclingMikey — and accuses him of supporting Chelsea
Only if Mr Clarkson had done his homework, because, a 2021 research from three experts, hailing from University of Auckland, University of Birmingham and University College London, has showed that “cellphone use while driving distracts the driver from the primary task of operating the vehicle, and puts them and others at increased risk of harm”.
The research adds: “We found that while viewing a cellphone in a concealed position, drivers demonstrated inferior driving behaviour, with poorer control over lane position and speed.”
I think it’s safe to conclude that maybe it’s slightly more dangerous than knitting?
Clarkson, then finally, reveals his agenda against Mikey, saying that “what annoys him the most is that he’s a sneak,” before laying out anecdotes about his school days when the entire school didn’t give him up for “putting Polyfilla in every single one of the school’s locks”. Well, driving with phones and a schoolboy’s mischief don’t sound analogous to me.
Maybe it’s time to ask the same question we asked a year ago, does anyone care anymore?
> Jeremy Clarkson "anti-cycling" column "peddles hate for easy money"... but does anyone actually care any more?