The Telegraph's campaign against cyclists

Following Angela Epstein’s article in the Telegraph in 19 October asking us why cyclists think they can do anything they like as if they “think they own the road”, and Eddie Nestor on BBC Radio London last Tuesday telling a caller that he couldn’t understand why a cyclist got angry and smashed her car’s rear passenger window that her husband, who she explained, driving in a traffic jam, stopped across both his own lane and the cycle lane thus including cyclists in the jam, as... a representative cyclist in London, I propose we agree a code for cycling on the public highway in London so as not to upset drivers who do actually own the road. Please add rules as you see fit and like this to accept your adherence to the new Code:

1. Cycle lanes are only available to cyclists if drivers of cars, vans and lorries choose not to use them.
2. Cyclists must use the cycle lane if there is one, even if traffic is using it (Rule 1), and must not “weave in and out of traffic with the slipperiness of a Corbyn acolyte trying to rewrite his political past”.
3. Cyclists, although must not weave in and out of traffic and use the cycle lane if there is one (Rule 2), must also not undertake traffic as is stipulated in the Highway Code of which “inner city cyclists… clearly hold in such utter contempt”.
4. Cyclists must not jump red lights.
5. Cyclists must not wait for a red light ahead the white line.
6. Cyclists must not “weave” to the outside of stationary traffic queueing at lights (Rule 2) because it annoys drivers who have to wait.
7. Cyclists must not wait for a red light before the white line inside a car or lorry that might be turning left, whose obligation to indicate left while waiting is not enforced, in case they get crushed to death in which case it is their own fault.
8. All cyclists must take a proficiency test before being allowed on the road despite that making even a slight mistake or lack of concentration and 360 degree awareness against London traffic would result in maiming or death (have you ever heard of a cyclist crashing as opposed to drivers daily blocking highways after failing to avoid stationary inanimate objects?)
9. Don’t let adrenaline get the better of you and lose your temper after near death experiences with drivers who would rather try to kill you than allow you to share their road with you.
10. Don’t be evangelical about cycling because London roads have loads more capacity for more cars, vans and lorries before we need to worry about gridlock and alternative methods of getting around.